what to do and say when someone has a MISCARRIAGE
I get a lot of messages from people seeking support when they experience pregnancy loss, but I also get a lot of messages from concerned family, friends and partners. Someone they love has experienced pregnancy loss and they want to know what to do, what to say and how to help.
To mark Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month 2021, I’ve written up some ideas that may come in useful.
Before I give you some ideas of exactly what to do in this circumstance, the first thing I have to warn you is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Everyone is different. Some people might feel their loss acutely and be in a state of severe shock and trauma.
Other people are more pragmatic about loss and are able to accept it more readily and move on more easily. There is no correct reaction, no correct way to behave. So you need to get a sense of where they’re at before you dive in.
You should never ever show any reaction or judgement if they’re dealing with it differently to how you expect or how you think you would deal with it if it was happening to you.
The first thing to do is reach out. How you do this is really dependent on your relationship with the person in question. But whether you call, text, email or send a fax, the first thing you should do is say “I’m sorry for your loss”. The medical system and society oftentimes seems very confused as to whether an early pregnancy loss is a loss. It is.
The second thing you need to do is listen. Offer an ear and then just listen to them speak. Don’t interrupt. Don’t offer any minimisations statements (for instance, at least you can get pregnant, at least you’re young, at least you’ve got a living child) None of these help. Not one. In fact, they have the likely outcome of causing more grief or compounding existing trauma. I dedicated a whole series to it on Instagram entitled #fuckthisshit.
If the person you are speaking to refers to their loss as a baby, that’s the word you use too. Equally, if they refer to a foetus, an embryo or just a pregnancy, that is also the language you should use, irrespective of how you viewed your own loss, if you’ve ever had one. Follow their lead.
If the person you are speaking to is obviously in a state of grief, I usually recommend two things once you have offered them an ear and told them you are sorry for your loss.
The first is meal drops. Grief can be overwhelming and overpowering. Dropping meals off on the porch can help them check out of responsibilities for a while. If they have a living child, consider asking if you could take their little one to the park for an hour or two and give them some time to themselves to cry. Or just sit in silence.
The second suggestion I make is a gift to memorialise their little love. Not everyone wants to take this approach, so it may be worth gently asking if they’d like to do anything to memorialise their loss. And get a sense of whether this is something that would fit the situation. If this is something you decide to do, here are two ideas.
For my gifts I usually use a Melbourne company (I have no affiliation, just a fan of her work) called Made With Love Monkeys. She makes beautiful soft toys, embroidered with a personalised message. Some parents find it very comforting to have something to cuddle as they remember their lost bub.
Another beautiful thing to do is a simple, handmade piece of jewellery, maybe with the baby’s name or birthdate on it. There are some lovely jewellery designers on Etsy – I always try to buy from local artisans where possible.
Back in the middle of 2020 I wrote a piece for ABC entitled What (not) to say to someone who’s experienced miscarriage. This may also be useful.
The final note is please don’t forget the partner, if there is one. They may also be in a state of distress and could benefit from some support. Sometimes even grandparents need a hug and an ear.
